Inspiration, mental health, real life, Spirit and soul, Uncategorized, Writing

The internal monologue

I already know what I’m going to write before I start typing, my internal monologue is a few seconds quicker than my thought process, and has already had the discussion before my fingers hit the keyboard.

It’s annoying when you want to sit there in silence, only for your other voice to say – look at that fly, what’s for dinner, have you done the washing yet… goes on and on and on!

Not everyone has one. But if you are brave enough to step out of your comfort zone, and ask others if they have one, you will be surprised at how many have!

I had some wellbeing support a few years ago, where they talked of the inner critic. Sitting in a group of other people, I never really understood what they were referring to, until I took a step back and thought about those never ending thoughts in my head. Often critical, self-examining and often so very unhelpful! And I have to say – on the odd occasion, quite dark. Of course- they were my inner critic, my inner demon! I like to think there is a balance though. The resilience that I have built up over the years, acting as the words of wisdom. Telling me not to be so stupid, and things will work out, the cake will bake ok or you won’t be late for something.  

I often post links to information from Wikipedia. This particular link is really useful, in as much as it talks about  Negative and Positive self-talk. I’d never thought of it that way. I don’t think it’s been a negative experience to realise this was happening.

But I also don’t think you can ever stop those voices can you? Or do you want to? Sometimes they are soothing, and remind you of the good times, and the success you have had. They help you to think of a way forward, to formulate a plan, to give you courage to step out of your comfort zone and put into words things that have been locked in your heart for a long time.  

Sometimes they just keep saying ‘are we there yet’ like an annoying child on a long journey. We just have to say – not yet, but thank you for your company!

Families, Family, Inspiration, mental health, Motivation, real life, Spirt and soul, women

It’s harder when there is no plaster

I have just had the most beautiful bouquet of flowers and a sweet ‘get well’ card from my work colleagues.


I can say with my hand on my heart that I’m never sick from work, I can tell you the number of occasions I’ve been off over the last 20 years! The odd bout of sickness, a back problem where I couldn’t get up of bed, and two occasions in the same month where I was bitten on the leg by a horse fly – I don’t think it was the same fly – it was very painful, and my poor leg swelled up to the size of an elephant!

So, when I say I have been signed off sick for 3 weeks – it will be as much a surprise to you as it was to me! ‘Work related stress’. Me? How can that be? I know how and why it happened, but I don’t understand how it has affected me this way. I’m normally the swan on the water graceful above, but paddling furiously beneath the water! I don’t get fazed by hard work, juggling lots of balls in the air all at one time. Managing multi layers of complexity in work, different personalities and their own health issues, angry aggressive and sad phone calls from customers. But of course there are times when it just catches up with you. And this is just one of those times!

At first I fought it furiously. I didn’t think I needed the time away to recharge – because really this is what it is. I thought I could manage all the additional pressures, then as the 1st day at home went on and it hit me why I was like this – I realised it would help.

I have resilience in cart loads, I grew up surrounded by parents and grand-parents who had mental health issues, and from a young age have seen the effects it has on families. I learned to manage the fall out, and how to avoid some of the issues that these health problems come with. I swore before I ever had children, they would never ever see me the way I saw my parents. My beloved mother suffering weeks and months of sadness, non-communicative and zombie like, never leaving her bed – drugged up and desolate. Crying for a ‘cure’. Then more months of shopping and more shopping. The roller coaster that is Bi-Polar. My 90 year old grandmother – repetitive counting and cleaning and hand washing, all the symptoms of OCD. Ambulances and police cars late at night, and the harrowing visits to the hospital – a place no 10 year old should ever have to visit even to see their lovely amazing father, a broken war hero with ‘shell shock’. Thankfully treatment for mental health has improved over the years, but the illness has never ‘gone away’. Many people have to suffer with OCD, Bi-Polar disorder, PTSD and psychiatric crisis. The places of treatment are far kinder than 50 years ago, the long walk between locked doors in psychiatric hospital are a thing of the past – for some. Medication and other treatments have improved. And thankfully there are now initiatives to help us to talk about our issues. My mother always said that if she had a broken arm – she would have had far more sympathy and understanding – from those who saw mental health as the unseen illness!

And for some who just need that duvet day or a long time to recharge batteries, and regroup their resilience’s – there are those who see the simple things that help get them back on that road to being themselves again.

I’m re-building my mental strength. Swimming, watching favourite TV programme. Walking in the fresh air, basically doing things for me and my loved ones.

And I’d like to think I will be back as strong as ever, to support those who need me going forward.